It was pointed out to me that there was a good deal of symbolism in my last post. A well meaning friend talked to me about how the animals that have most moved me over the years may be sending me a similar message, if I had just open my heart to it.

Being one of the First People, my friend is not into “all things Celtic” as I am. I thought it was touching that he tried to dig up something that was more meaningful to me. He gave me the following information:

Deer (Fiadh) or Stag (Sailetheach, Damh): In its form of the White Doe or White Stag, the deer was often a messenger and guide from the Otherworlds. Following such an animal led the unsuspecting human into contact with supernatural beings. The antlered headdress of Cernunnos may have been copied by Celtic shamans as apparel in their rituals. THe deer represents keen scent, grace swiftness, and gentleness. There are ways of reaching your goals other than force.

Hawk (Seabhag): Celtic oral tradition lists the oldest animal as the hawk of Achill. As with other birds, the hawk is a messenger between the Otherworlds and this world. However, it is of greater skill and strength than other birds. It symbolizes clear-sightedness and far-memory. If you hear a hawk cry during a journey, be alert to upcoming situations that need boldness and decisiveness to keep from being thrown off balance.

Owl (Cailleach, Oidhche, Comachag): These birds were most often associated with the Crone aspect of the Goddess. The word “cailleach” in the Scottish-Gaelic means “owl”. The owl is often a guide to and through the Underworld, a creature of keen sight in darkness, and a silent and swift hunter. It can help unmask those who would deceive you or take advantage of you. (1)

Hmmm, I detect a theme don’t you?

It seems as though my animal allies want me to join them on a journey through the Underworld. You can view that as a metaphorical invitation to investigate the dark, recesses of your psyche, or imbue that with a more literal meaning. It is interesting to me that this comes to me at a time when I have been feeling like I need get in touch with my emotions and explore my spirituality on a deeper level.

I think that people who have suffered unresolved emotional and/or physical trauma become very dependent on their instinctive selves to go on auto pilot, in order to keep their hearts safe. This is very similar to the idea of soul-loss as understood by the ancient Celts. According their teachings, souls often went wandering away from their physical self when faced with trauma or illness. Caitlin Matthews speaks of the effects of a wandering soul in the Encyclopedia of Celtic Wisdom. “Soul-loss may result in mental disorientation, emotional deadness or psychic depression.”

So I see this as another sign that in order to be fully present in my life, I need to go on a journey of self-discovery and rescue those parts of myself that have gone wandering. I wonder if this is where the phrase “pull yourself together”, originated?

1. http://www.joellessacredgrove.com/Celtic/animalallies.html

One of my assignments in the Magic and Medicine class is to think about those things that might get in the way of me working with the plants on a deeper level.   I think that right now the thing I struggle the most with is my location.

I can grow a lot of  my own herbs here in my yard, but I don’t feel as connected as I should to it all.    When I logged into my other class and Kiva was talking about finding  a sit spot,  I knew the Universe was sending me a message through my teachers.     I need to find a place where I can meet my plant allies on their own ground,  besides getting to know their tamer cultivated cousins in my garden.  I need to  re-connect to my wild self.    I need to find a place where I can BE.  Because honestly,  I kind of miss me.

There was a time when I was a very young child that I was left to wander freely through fields and timber.   I drank water from springs in the ground and played with crawfish in the creek.   Even in the schoolyard,  my favorite place to play was in the gnarled roots of the giant trees that grew near the edge.     I grew up thoroughly immersed in nature.  I was sure that every hawk that flew overhead meant its piercing shriek for me and I would talk to them as if they were my friends.   I chattered away to “imaginary” friends I have long since forgotten, except as the stories told to tease me at family reunions.  I remember nights standing on top of a small cistern hill, out back of our house letting the rain soak me or the wind whip through my hair.   I even had a special song that I would sing to the moon when no one was listening, which was often.

Then we we moved to town and I lost touch with much of my wild self.    For a time I didn’t realize how much that unsettled me.  I went through some tumultuous years before I understood what I had lost.   It was only in becoming aware of this, that I found myself able to heal enough to be functional.

When I lived in smaller towns, it was easier to find a place to go when I was overwhemed.   The dam in one town,  and the quarry in another.  Then we rented the farm.   I remember the first day I happily learned that  a herd of deer traversed my backyard, quite frequently.    Sometimes when they wandered through,  their gaze met mine.  They understood that I was once a creature of the wild ,like them, and as such  meant them no harm.  They would look at me for a moment, toss their heads, and run off  into the woods.   It was if they were saying, “follow me” and tempting me to wander the world that lie beyond the barbed wire fence.      And sometimes I would follow for awhile and in that place I regained some of  my wild self.

Then we moved back into town…

I suppose it isn’t that awful.    The railroad tracks near the backyard attract a surprising multitude of creatures.     The mallards and muskrat are here in the Spring when there is water along the tracks      The grain spilling on the railroad track attracts rodents  which makes the trees growing on either side a good home for my friend,  the owl.     There are squirrels, rabbit,  chipmunks, raccoon, groundhogs, birds and snakes wandering through.   Just the other day,  the neighbor was walking his dog when a giant hawk swooped into the tree above him.  Although my neighbor never  bothered to look up,   I gave the hawk a nod,  he looked at me for a moment or two, then flew off.

But the occasional glimpses of wildlife do not heal my heart and my self  like the daily knowing of a place that is wild and free.  I know that.     I’ve poked around this town, but it is  impossible to practice awareness exercises over the noise of trains and traffic.   The only places I’ve found to get away from it involve  driving a distance that is financially prohibitive for us to do on a daily basis,  so I am feeling very “stuck” in this place and stifled by all the noise and the people.  That is frustrating  especially now I find myself wanting to BE more.

So that is what I think holds me back.   Now, I have to figure out what to do about it.