Time for some personal growth…
Many of you know I have some issues going on. I am not going to expand on the nature of those issues too much, but apparently my muse isn’t going to give me a pass until I spit this all out.
For almost four years now, my husband has struggled with using some pretty poor coping mechanisms to deal with stress. It has negatively impacted the family financially and me emotionally, because I couldn’t get him to change these behaviors.
In being too close to the issue and being all tangled up with my emotions, I forgot the first reality of healing is that people have to want to fix themselves. It is hard work, it means sacrifice, and not everyone is at a place in his or her life in where they are ready to make that commitment.
As a healer, you have to be willing to cut those clients loose, and not take it personally. I suppose that is a truth that all healers face and it is especially hard when you are too close to the issue, or personally invested in an outcome. I have respectfully cut clients loose before, with the invitation to return when they are ready. That is a lot easier said than done when it is a partner or a loved one
I have my own demons, too. I turned to my plant allies for help in addressing my anxiety and focusing on school. Without addressing the cause, the plants were just barely keeping me functioning. It is never a good idea to be your own herbalist.
I was ashamed. I felt like a fraud and I was afraid. Afraid to let my truth be widely known. Afraid that people would lose respect for me. Afraid that people would judge me for having this problem in my life and not being able to fix it.
I told someone the other day that It got to the point that sometimes I barely recognized myself, or the words coming out of my mouth. In the last year, things that used to be easy for me, such as teaching or focusing on my work, became overwhelming for me. I kept trying to understand why. I think I realize now that it was not the venue or the method-of-delivery, it was me. I was never fully engaged in the moment, because I was always worrying about other things.
About three weeks ago, I discovered he was making more poor decisions than I ever imagined. Right now, I have no idea what is going to happen in my life and having the rug pulled out from underneath me is obviously not helping with my anxiety. We are working with a couples counselor.
If you happen to have made it on to my private list on Facebook, you know I am not doing so well some days. I am sorry if it makes you uncomfortable that I share my reality. So many of us have these social media personas that we cultivate. We are so concerned with “branding ourselves” we are afraid to let people see our frailties and vulnerabilities.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about what kind of example that sets for our clients. Are we doing anyone a service when we hide the messy parts of our life? Shouldn’t it be acceptable for anyone to crash-and-burn when life explodes? Speaking of which, a therapist used the “rise from the ashes” analogy the other day.
Remind me never to do that.
Because when you are in pain you send parts of yourself away, out into the ether, where they can hide until the danger is over. I don’t need to rise above this. I need to become rooted in the reality of who I am. I need to quit hanging out in the ether and become fully engaged in my own life. I need to heal.
I think part of that is putting my reality out there, unashamedly. I am not going to lie when I am doing a really poor job of keeping it together, at times. But I am also going to celebrate my successes. I will no longer participate in creating an illusion. I need truth in my life.
Hopefully, everyone can respect that.