Re-connecting to myself
I have been feeling uninspired, lately. June and early July were busy; full of family obligations that left me feeling drained and awkward. These events usually unbalance me for awhile. I have a very different lifestyle from my extended family, from most people in fact. Socializing often reminds me that I don’t really fit in anywhere. Consequently, I find myself struggling with introspection and self-doubt.
The fact that my student loans are soon to come out of deferment is adding to my mental discomfort. I really have to figure out what it is that I want to be when I grow up. This is not something that is new to me, either. I have struggled with it most of my life. My herbal studies brought me great peace of mind as to my ability to care for my family but my desire to fit in to a certain mold always kept me from pursuing them seriously. I still haven’t quite taken that leap from herbal student to practitioner due in part to my reluctance to set my life’s course in a way that will set me even further apart from the norm.
I took a cultural anthropology class. The one thing I took away from that class is that my need for acceptance and community is perfectly normal. Humans are, by nature, a tribal being. It is hard to reconcile this reality with the construct of society as it has evolved. Honestly though, one only has to look at the struggling nuclear family unit in our society to know that our current paradigm is not conducive to human well-being and happiness. Life experience has taught me this lesson as well. During the periods of my life when I shut out my authentic self , my mental state has suffered for it. I partied too hard and lived life loudly as possible in an attempt to drown out my nagging conscience. Thankfully those days are long behind me .
Yesterday, at what I like to think was the peak of my current identity crisis, I went to a nearby mall and just sat and watched as the “mainstream” flowed in and out of various stores. One woman in particular fascinated me. I don’t know her at all but I watched as she walked briskly through the mall, dragging a screaming little girl behind her. She was pretty but in that made up sort of way that makes you want to scrub it all off and take a good look at what is underneath. She went to the nail shop, the beauty supply store and a couple of clothing stores. The child was growing more and more restless, screaming that she was hungry. Eventually the mother, pushed to the limit of her patience, smacked the little one across the butt and drug her off to a fast food restaurant.
My heart ached for her and the little one. I longed to walk up to her, take her hand and lead her to a place that was green and quiet. To a place where she could marvel in the simple beauty of the world and share it joyfully with the lovely child she brought into it. I wanted to convince her that all of that “stuff” she was purchasing was not necessary to her happiness and help her to figure out what sort of void she was trying to fill. I lack the courage of my convictions, however, so I went to the liquor store, purchased a large bottle of vodka and went home to tincture my yarrow.
I was still thinking of her as I walked with my own boys to the park later in the evening. We swung, chased fireflies, rolled in Trapolin’s favorite clover patch and played with the bunnies. The clover called to me. I went home and brewed an infusion which I am sipping on this morning and I feel my “self” slowly settling back into my body.
The woman and her child still haunt me though. Just as I am aware that I am coming out of my melancholy mood, I am realizing something else. I know what I want to do with my life, don’t I? I have all along. I just need to muster up the courage and self confidence to do it.
